Crap in TODAY

Dear TODAY,

I would like to thank you for making TODAY a free newspaper.
I seriously wouldn't pay to see junk like this in a newspaper, wasting away close to 1.5 page and tonnes of paper.

I'm referring to this article.

WOULDN’T it be great if you could see into the future? We wanted to build a time machine so we could find out in person but management wouldn’t let us use parts from the microwave oven in the pantry.

Cute but lame.
Correction: Act cute and lame.

So, we took Allan Wu, Tracy Tan, Mindee Ong, and Zhang Yao Dong to Master Khor, astropalmist extraordinaire, instead.

Perfect. Let's indulge in superstition. A wonderful way to waste your money and time.

Khor, a regular fixture at events like ZoukOut and Womad, has been a professional palm reader for the last eight years after learning the craft from an Indian master. “There are five million receptors in your entire body — and one third of them come to the palm,” said Khor. Nobody understood what that meant.

Hmmm... I don't really knows what he means too. How is the number of receptors in your hand relating to palm reading? Our lips have plenty of nerves too. Heck, males have highly sensitive (pardon my language) dickheads.

Maybe we can expect to see an "astrodick-ist" in the future?
I can almost imagine it now. A damn pervert grabbing your penis, holding a magnifying glass and staring at the glans. "Ahhh... I predict that your sex life will be dull for the next month or two, followed by some fantastic burst of sexual activities."

One squint at their palms, and the Master saw past the foggy windshield of time into these celebrities’ futures. Here’s what he told them they could expect.

We'll see.

ALLAN WU, 36
“You will not return to your hometown,” was the first nugget of information Allan’s palm yielded. “Well, I was born in the United States and I have been considering whether I should go back and continue my career there,” revealed the Amazing Race Asia host.

Ugh, let's see. He's married to Wong Li Lin. She's a Singaporean. If she doesn't want to leave Singapore then the couple probably won't. Nothing special.

Now that it is "predicted" that he won't return to the US, he is likely to be affected by this self-fulfilling prophecy if he buys into this bullshit.

“I dare to say you will not go back to the US for the long term,” the Master told Allan solemnly.

Plenty of factors can lengthen his stay. We'll have to see about this.

“Your career will shoot up,” said the Master next, examining Allan’s palms under a magnifying glass. “I keep hearing that, but I’m still waiting for it to shoot up!” Allan replied.

What the hell does it mean by shoot up? A pay raise? More fans? More jobs? By how much? This is the kind of vague crap you get from fortune tellers.

“You must focus,” Khor chided. “If you strike when the time is right, you will make millions. But if you’re a smartass about it, you’ll go bankrupt.”

LOL. Financial advice, people.

One last word of caution for Allan: “You must also beware of water,” said Khor. “If you are at the seaside or swimming pool, don’t go into the water if your instinct warns against it, or you will drown.”

LOL again. If even your instinct warns against it, you shouldn't be entering the water anyways. Nothing predictive at all.

ZHANG YAO DONG, ‘mid-twenties’
The Master announced that Yao Dong’s outstanding flaw was that he was “a poor judge of people”. Not to worry – there’s good news on the way.

The Forer Effect, I believe. If he has some vague reasons to think that he is "a poor judge of people", then this will ring as "yea, it's true."

“At age 33, there will be a big change in your life. It could be marriage, migration, or a business opportunity.

Big change. Then some guess work. Stuck in the hospital for two months can be a big change too. 365 days is a long time where chance can work its magic. Nothing predictive.

If you're gonna predict something, the least you could be do is be specific. I can do this crap too.

You will have good news in the next three months.

Define good news. Seriously. That's SO vague.

Take care of your eyes and your heart. Wear sunglasses and cut down on meat, seafood and coconuts. Also, cut down on deep fried food,” said Khor.

LOL. Medical advice.

“Next year, lots of wealth will come to you,” said the Master. “But the recession will hit us next year,” protested Yao Dong. “Yes, but the lottery has no correlation with the recession,” said Khor, with a wink.

"lots of wealth", define, thank you. A 4D windfall of $100 can be "lots of wealth" to some people.

Then came the dark proclamation: “You will die quickly.”
“What does that mean?” exclaimed Yao Dong.
“It means you won’t suffer a prolonged fatal illness like HIV or cancer.”
“That’s good!” breathed Yao Dong in relief.

Great. He's going to die instantly or quickly. Vague again.
Instant death in a car accident? Leaping off the 21th storey? Heart attack? Murdered?

MINDEE ONG, 29
“You are clumsy and accident prone,” the Master pronounced upon scrutinising Mindee’s palm. “Yes, I am! But I can’t help it!” cried the 12 Lotus star.

The Forer Effect again.

Then, a warning: “Be very careful about what you sign and say next year, especially in the months of January, May and September, or you will have legal problems.”

LOL. Legal advice now.
You know what, go ahead and breach contracts, sign documents indiscriminately and defame the government on the other 9 months, nothing will happen.

“Will I have children?” asked Mindee. The Master squinted at her palm through his magnifying glass. “You will have one child — a girl.” This was good news, judging from Mindee’s grin.

That's 50/50. If it's not a girl, it's boy.
Crappy predictions.

But it looks like there might also be bleakness in the actress’s future. “You will have to solve a big problem in your (future) marriage. If you don’t solve it, it will lead to separation or divorce. When you’re older, you will be very lonely. Maybe your offspring might live abroad.”

Celebrity marriages have a greater chance of ending in divorce. Nothing special.

If there's a big problem in your marriage and you don't solve it, it will eventually lead to divorce. That's just common sense.

A child that "might" go abroad. He/She "might" not go abroad. Don't use "might" if you are going to seriously predict something.

TRACY TAN, ‘mid-twenties’
Tracy’s reading was focused on love and relationships. “You are an idealistic perfectionist,

The Forer Effect again.

and love is your biggest problem,” the Master told the My Sassy Neighbour actress. “You will travel a lot, or deal with people from all over the world. You should travel as far as possible from home in order to find true love and fortune.”

Travel OR deal with foreigners. Still in contact with foreigners.
She might as well be married to a Malaysian.

Added Khor: “After marriage, you might become a taitai. Your husband will rise materially.”
“Will I bring luck to my husband?” she queried. “If he listens to you,” replied the Master. “If you don’t choose the right man, you will have to maintain your husband.”

"Might." If her future husband listens to her.
Otherwise, she has to maintain him instead.

Bullshit. It's not even a prediction, just common sense.
If her husband becomes rich after marriage, it would appear to be "because" of her.
If the guy is arse who doesn't work, of course she has to come up with the money. Where else would the money come from? God? FSM?

“At age 28, someone special will enter your life,” said Khor. “But your love life is essentially boring because you’re a one-man woman.” Tracy agreed enthusiastically.

LOL. LMAO. What other answer could he give?

"But your love life will still be thrilling. You're a seven-men woman. You will have 7 boyfriend, have sex with six of them, marry the sixth and have an affair with the seventh." LOL...

Finally, “You are prone to separation or divorce.” Oh dear. “But next year will be a very good year for you.” That makes sense — Tracy returns in April with Red Thread, a new drama series on MediaCorp TV Channel 5.

Celebrities' marriage. Mentioned before.

“I thought it was very generic,” said Tracy of her reading. “Good things are nice to hear, but I don’t believe in fortune telling.

YAY TRACY. Good for you. =D